TRYING TO UNDERSTAND

I am going to start by apologizing. I am all over the board today and I’m trying to figure it  out. This morning I found out that I woman I have known for many years, a girl that I watched grow up, graduate, get married, and have 3 beautiful babies.. A mom, a daughter, a wife… was killed in a head on collision with a drunk driver. Her babies survived, only one is in the hospital. She died. A beautiful life just wiped out because someone got behind the wheel of a car when they shouldn’t have. The other driver and his passenger are in the hospital too. I’m trying to pray for them too but I am having a really hard time. I am heartbroken for Lindsay’s family. Her children who were with her when she died. Her Husband who has to find a way to go on. Her mother who lost her child. It’s making me think of my child. My daughter who was also friends with Lindsay. I want to put her and her family into a bubble of security so nothing can happen to them. I am afraid.

The tears have been going for hours now, in between the rage that I feel. At the other driver, the circumstances and at God. Why do things like this happen? How does one get past this?  I’m trying to understand where God is in all of this. Bad things happen all the time. It is part of life but this? I believe God is there with her family. I believe he is here with me now even though I am so angry  that I want to beat something.I keep telling  myself he has a plan in all of this but then I think of Lindsay and her babies…her family.

I believe this is where faith comes in, even though it’s a bit hidden in the anger and the tears at the moment. I still feel it. I know that my faith will sustain me just as I know the sun will come up again tomorrow and that each day will be a little bit better. I know that no matter what, life goes on. But I hope you don’t mind that I may be a mess for a little while longer.

Hug your kids and your loved ones. If you feel something.. say it. Its OK. Live because you just never know……

I was lost

The new year is almost here. As I sit in the early hours of the morning and sip my coffee, I am reflecting back. For myself it was an eye opening year. A beautiful, enlightening and a life changing painful year. I learned more about myself in 2016 than I ever have before. And I think I finally found me. I was lost for a long time. A very long time.  Maybe since I was a little girl. I have spent many hours crawling through that jungle. I made a lot of mistakes. I own that. Every decision really was mine to make. And every decision I learned something. Its just taken me awhile to put it all together.

You don’t have to be what other’s want you to be. That really isn’t you.. its someone else’s image of what their dream is. Be your own dream. Be yourself.

Love isn’t fair. Sometimes it just doesn’t work. Not for any specific reason but because it just isn’t meant to be. Don’t box yourself in. Let the hurt go. When you release it and live for you, not looking for love, love will find you.

If you hate what you are doing, do something else. It may be the hardest change you will ever make but at least you will be happier. You can’t enjoy life if you are miserable all day long.

Throw fear out the window. I don’t mean common sense, I mean fear. Most of what we think might happen… never does. So just do it… Run a race, write a story, take a trip, try a zip line, all those crazy things you want to try but fear holds you back. Just do it

Breath… Life is moving so fast. Do all those deadlines and ajenda’s, expectations and goals really mean everything? When was the last time you sat back and watched a child play in the land of make believe? Or took a walk in the rain? Or stood quietly and listened to God? Get off the Merry Go Round and just breath.

Make that bucket list. Get a little crazy with it, have some fun. Its your list, your desires. Make it about you. It doesn’t matter if no one wants to join you sometimes. You will meet others that dream a bit crazy like you. My list keeps growing. I want to ride a zipline in the rain forest, take in the sun and the salty air on Santorini Island in Greece. I want to eat pasta in Italy and ride a sailboat around Nantucket. I want to dance in the street of New Orleans and make love on the beach when the ocean tides are rolling in. I want to watch my grandchildren grow up and live their dreams and I want to fall hopelessly in love again.

Go for that dream thats been knocking on your heart forever. God gives us dreams for a reason. Instead of following the masses maybe its time to lay down a new path. There isn’t anything you can’t do if you really want too. It takes time, patience, perseverance and a lot of desire. Life is short…. Go for it…I am.